Divorcing is never easy, and breaking the news to your children can be one of the most challenging aspects of the process. As a firm dedicated to supporting families through one of the most difficult times of their lives, we understand the importance of effectively communicating with your kids while encouraging positive co-parenting. Here are our guidelines on how to approach this sensitive conversation.
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Plan the Conversation Together (If Possible)
If both parents can agree on a unified message, it can help provide reassurance to the children and minimize confusion. Sit down together to discuss what you will say, emphasize a cooperative stance and try to avoid placing blame when talking to the children. It is also important to choose a calm moment free of distractions to have this important talk. Right before school or during bedtime are some times to try not to discuss this life-changing event.
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Keep the Message Age-Appropriate
Tailor your language to your child’s age and needs. You know your kids best, so it is important to think of what they may need when discussing what to say. Younger kids may need reassurance about their daily lives and routines (who is going to put them to bed and what will happen to their favorite toys), while older children might require more specifics about what is happening and may have questions about what this all means. Being considerate of their maturity will help them process the information better.
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Be Honest — But Do not Overshare
It is crucial to convey that the relationship is not working while steering clear of adult topics like infidelity, finances, or legal matters. The kids just need to know that sometimes relationships do not work out, but both parents will still be in their lives. Focus on presenting the situation as a family change rather than a family breakup. This can help your children understand that the world is shifting but they remain cherished and loved by both parents.
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Emphasize What Will Stay the Same
Children thrive on stability, so reassure them that they are loved by both parents and that they are not to blame for the divorce. Children understand more than we sometimes realize, and it is not uncommon for them to wonder if the divorce is somehow their fault. Stress that nobody has done anything wrong, and that this is just a new way the family will be living. Make sure to discuss with them any practical details such as living arrangements, school, and family routines that will remain consistent to provide them with a sense of security amid this big change.
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Use “We” Language to Show Cooperation
Reinforce your roles as co-parents by using inclusive language, emphasizing that you are still both their parents. Working together helps instill a sense of security, regardless of the circumstances between you. Presenting a united front, even when feelings are strained, conveys to your children that they are the priority.
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What Not to Say
Certain phrases can undermine your efforts to provide a supportive environment for your children. Avoid saying:
– “This is your [mom/dad]’s fault.”
– “We would’ve stayed together if it weren’t for you.”
– “Don’t tell [mom/dad] what I said.”
– “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
– Any complex legal language related to custody or support, especially for younger children.
These statements can create feelings of guilt and confusion, so stay focused on the more productive aspects of the conversation.
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Expect Questions — And Be Ready for Emotions
Children will likely experience a range of emotions, from guilt and anger to sadness and even relief. Be prepared for questions and remind them that it is normal to feel all types of emotions during this transition. Keep the lines of communication open, as this conversation will need to be revisited over time. Encourage them to ask questions if they are curious about something, and remain open with them, as this will show that you prioritize them.
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Support Beyond the Conversation
Consider seeking professional guidance, such as counseling or therapy, both for your children and yourselves as co-parents. Maintaining structure and consistency during this transitional phase is essential, and sometimes a little extra guidance can go a long way. Continuous communication between co-parents is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and ensure that your children feel supported and secure.
By approaching the conversation with care, planning, and an emphasis on love and support, you can help your children adjust to the changes in your lives. If you find yourself in need of legal support or further assistance, our firm is here to help you every step of the way.
