Being on the outside and looking in on a domestic abuse situation, be it physical or coercive control, can be overwhelming. You may feel that your friend is acting strange and are taking notice to the friend’s differences. It is depressing to see a person you love fall victim to abuse, particularly one as subtle and insidious as coercive control. Today we are going to go over a couple of things you can do to support someone experiencing coercive control.
Key Takeaways
- Coercive control is a form of domestic violence aimed at isolating and controlling the victim, often without physical abuse, by undermining independence and self-esteem.
- Maintaining contact and preventing isolation is crucial; using various communication methods and inviting the victim to activities that can help him or her regain a sense of independence.
- Support the victim’s self-esteem by offering genuine compliments and affirmations, countering the degradation tactics used by the abuser.
- Validate the victim’s reality by confirming experiences and emotions, especially when the abuser uses gaslighting to distort the victim’s perception.
- Address financial abuse by offering practical support, such as helping with expenses or securing a job, to reduce the victim’s dependency on the abuser.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of domestic violence that is not always physical. Typically, someone who uses coercive control tactics aims to separate an individual from support circles, isolating the victim. The victim gradually loses independence, until he or she must depend on the abuser for financial stability and validation. Often, abusers who use coercive control will monitor, humiliate, and coerce their partners in a number of ways to whittle down their victim’s self-esteem.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Coercive Control
How to Support Someone Experiencing Coercive Control
Armed with knowledge about coercive control, you can better look out for it. The main thing to notice is that your friend or family member may not always show up with visible bruises. Rather, the victim’s soul may be bruised and tired. It is important to empower your loved one, even if he or she does not want the attention. Give the victim your endless support and patience. Help the victim see that he or she is being abused. Work together to provide the victim with a plan of escape then work towards executing it.
Here are some ways to support someone who is being abused:
Keep Them Out of Isolation
Victims of abuse are so often isolated from the outside world. You may notice that your friend is no longer showing up to events that were previously enjoyed, or the victim may say he or she is too busy. It is important to not let the abuser get in the way of these social circles. Establish contact in a variety of ways, such as through text messages, emails, and gifts sent through the mail. Since the accounts may be monitored by the abuser, keep the conversation light. Try to pull the victim out of the abuse with invitations for walks, shopping, and events but keep the outings short. The more independence it feels like the victim has, the more common it is for the abuser to revoke the permissions for such days.
Work Against Degradation
A common tactic among abusers is to whittle away at the victim’s self-esteem. Abusers use harsh language that insults the victim’s intelligence and physical appearance. That makes it all the more important to tell the victim how much you love and care for him or her. Tell the victim that you admire him or her, that you have good memories, and provide genuine support when possible.
Stop the Gaslighting
By denying reality or manipulating the environment, abusers can make their victims question reality or even ponder if they are going crazy. Confirm your friend’s thoughts and opinions. Let the victim know that he or she is not unstable by recounting memories. Do not lecture your friend about what is happening in your life. Instead, let your friend talk about what is being experienced and validate the victim’s emotions as he or she does so.
Unravel the Acts of Love That Trap Victims
Abusers may come off as kind, affable, and even charming to those outside of the relationship. They may engage in acts of kindness with the victim, as they are concerned with self-image and want the rest of the world to like them. It is important to understand this, as the victim may also focus on these “good things” in a way to keep from thinking about the bad and terrible.
Listen and hear what your friend is talking about. Acknowledge that some good times may indeed exist. However, if it seems safe and will not harm your friend emotionally, you can mention some observations, such as, “When I picked you up, you seemed afraid. Is everything OK?” You may also note, “You seem more tired and depressed than usual. Did something happen?”. See how your friend reacts to these observations and listen to what your friend says. Sometimes the rose-tinted glasses will come off.
Ward Off Economic Abuse
Coercive control is built on various forms of abuse, including financial abuse. Abusers will work to cut victims off and make the victim dependent on the abuser’s finances. Some abusers will force their victims to stay home, to quit their job, or to even turn over their pay throughout the month. Money then becomes a device for punishing or rewarding.
Financial stability also becomes a great fear of victims, as they cannot run if they do not have the financial means to do so. As a friend, you can alleviate some of this financial burden by paying for things like food, transportation, or even childcare. You can also help your friend secure a job or provide a place to live or keep the belongings, especially if the victim is planning on running.
Resource Box
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
- Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- Chat: Online Chat
- Text: “START” to 88788
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Local Support Groups or Shelters in New Jersey:
- To find local resources, you can visit:
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For immediate help, consider contacting:
- New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence
- Phone: 609-584-8107
- Website: NJCEADV
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Additional resources include:
- Jersey Battered Women’s Services (JBWS)
- Phone: 973-267-4763
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Services: Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy
- Website: https://jbws.org/
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Women Aware
- Phone: 732-249-4900
- Services: Domestic violence services, shelter, legal advocacy
- Website: https://womenaware.net/
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Legal Advocacy – Ziegler Law Group, LLC:
- Specialty: Domestic Violence, Family Law, Divorce
- Phone: 973-533-1100
- Location: New Jersey, USA
- Website: https://zieglerlawgroupllc.com/
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Take Control of Your Safety and Future
Navigating the aftermath of domestic violence or litigation abuse can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to face it alone. Download our free guides today to arm yourself with knowledge, strategies, and hope:
- 📄 “Overcoming Domestic Violence in NJ“
Discover actionable steps to protect yourself and rebuild your life, from securing restraining orders to accessing local support networks. - 📄 “The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children“
Learn how to safeguard your children’s well-being and advocate for their needs during custody battles. - 📄 “Your Guide to Safety and Legal Protection“
Get clarity on your legal rights, financial safeguards, and how to hold abusive partners accountable in court.
Contact a New Jersey Domestic Violence Lawyer Today to Learn More
Supporting someone experiencing coercive control requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of the complexities involved. As you stand by your loved one, your role is to be a steady source of support, helping the victim reclaim a sense of self and independence. It is a delicate process, but your efforts can make a significant difference in the journey toward safety and freedom.
If you or someone you care about is trapped in an abusive relationship, know that legal help is available. The attorneys at Ziegler Law Group, LLC, are experienced in handling domestic violence cases and can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate this difficult situation. Contact us today at 973-533-1100 for a confidential consultation. Your actions could be the first step toward a safer, more secure future.
