With the signing of a bill adding coercive control to the definition of domestic abuse in New Jersey in January 2024, the questions of what it is and how it happens are also being asked. Coercive control is a form of abuse that uses methodical and dominating psychological tactics to restrict an individual’s independence and make them dependent on their abuser. Unfortunately, in many cases of domestic abuse, coercive control is a common factor that gradually becomes more severe, often leading to more physical forms of torment. Knowing the common tactics used in coercive control can make it easier to spot and help people get themselves or their loved ones away from danger.
Key Takeaways
- Abusers deprive victims of social support, making them reliant on the abuser by cutting off access to friends, family, and social activities.
- Victims are constantly monitored by the abusers who use use surveillance tactics like cameras, GPS tracking, and frequent questioning. This is also done by restricting finances and freedom of movement.
- Abusers manipulate the victim’s perception of reality, causing them to doubt their memories and sanity by invalidating their feelings and denying abusive actions.
1. Isolating You From Your Friends and Family
Humans are social creatures. We thrive when we have support from friends and family. Abusers know this, which is why they opt to deprive victims of their social support. Without other people to speak to and lean on, the victim is essentially deprived of all social interaction except for what the abuser will provide.
Isolation can take shape in a number of ways, depending on the victim. If the abuse is happening to children, they may be isolated by being taken out of public school and homeschooled or told they can’t play with the other neighborhood kids. An adult victim may be isolated by having to stay home from work to take care of their abusive partner. In extreme forms of isolation, the victim may be trapped in their room or kept home for hours or days without any interaction.
2. Monitoring Your Actions Around The Clock
Abusers who use coervice control enjoy being omnipresent and having a hand in the lives of their victims around the clock. It is common to see houses wired up with security cameras in various rooms, including the bathroom, and using two-way surveillance to issue orders throughout the day. Having cameras in private areas of the home is also a form of humilation, as it puts various private acts on display and breaks boundaries.
Other forms of monitoring may be texting questions about where the victim has gone, who they are with, and what they are doing. Abusers may use GPS tracking and other forms of surveillance when the victim is not home to keep tabs on where they go. Stalking may also occur.
3. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a dreadful mind game. Unfortunately, abusers know how to play the game well. They will say and do things that make the victim feel disoriented and disorganized. This is done through invalidating emotions and perceptions, calling the victim crazy, and denying specific actions that the victim might call out as abusive. Sometimes the events of a story are changed to make the victim feel like something is wrong with their reality—that they are indeed losing it and need help.
With enough gaslighting, the victim may come to doubt their memories and intelligence and stop trusting in their intuition. Gaslighting is harmful, especially when it comes to children.
4. Restricting Agency and Autonomy
When someone exerts coercive control, they may attempt to restrict the victim’s freedom of movement and autonomy. This works into isolating the victim. For example, the abuser may bar the victim from going to work or school with either threats or self-harm or something else. They may restrict access to the computer or a video game console by changing all of the passwords and PINs. More extreme examples include restricting when a person can eat or how much soap they can use when they bathe. Children will feel this especially hard, especially since the restrictions may bar the child from doing the things children like to do.
5. Limiting Your Financial Freedom and Stability
By controlling the finances, the abuser successfully cuts off a means for the victim to disengage from the relationship. Without financial stability, many people fear doing anything that might put them at risk of losing it all. For victims of coercive abuse, leaving when they have no money also means having no place to sleep, no food to eat, and no transportation. That is a frightening concept.
Some ways abusers try to cut off financial freedom is by placing the vicitm on a strict budget, hiding money and other financial resources, preventing the victim from using their debit or credit card, and changing the passwords to the bank account (or changing the name on it).
6. Turning the Children Against You
This may not be true for every case of coercive control, but it can happen if children are present. The abuser may attempt to weaponize the children by telling them incorrect information or belitting the victim in front of them. For instance, the abuser may tell the child that their mother no longer loves them and doesn’t want them anymore whenever they are together. This can change the attitude of the child, forcing them away from the victim, and making the mother (in this case) feel powerless and hopeless.
7. Controlling Your Body
The abuser will try to take control of the victim’s body too. This is not just about monitoring what the victim eats and when. The abuser will dictate when the victim eats, sleeps, goes to bathroom, and how and when they exercise. Sometimes victims are placed on very strict workout schedules, often forced to do hours of labor without rest. Victims who have medical conditions may find themselves dependent on the abuser for their medication, as they will not have the freedom to take it when needed.
Control of the body may also happen during intimacy. A victim may find that their body and their agency in the bedroom is no longer their own. The boundaries that they had prior to being abused will no longer exist. What they say or want no longer matters.
8. Threats Against You and Yours
The last tactic used in coercive control is threats against the victim, their family, their pets, and their friends. In some cases, the abuser will also threaten to do things to themselves in an attempt to dissuade the victim from doing something. For example, if the victim tries to leave the relationship, the abuser may threaten to kill themselves and the victim. This can go as far as threatening to abandon the children or have them put in foster care.
Resource Box
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
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Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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Chat: Online Chat
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Text: “START” to 88788
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Local Support Groups or Shelters in New Jersey:
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To find local resources, you can visit:
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For immediate help, consider contacting:
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New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence
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Phone: 609-584-8107
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Website: NJCEADV
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Additional resources include:
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Jersey Battered Women’s Services (JBWS)
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Phone: 973-267-4763
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Services: Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy
- Website: https://jbws.org/
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Women Aware
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Phone: 732-249-4900
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Services: Domestic violence services, shelter, legal advocacy
- Website: https://womenaware.net/
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Legal Aid – Ziegler Law Group, LLC:
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Specialty: Domestic Violence, Family Law, Divorce
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Phone: 973-533-1100
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Location: New Jersey, USA
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Website: https://zieglerlawgroupllc.com/
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Download –
- Overcoming Domestic Violence in NJ
- The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children
- Your Guide to Safety and Legal Protection: Domestic Violence Legal Services
Contact a NJ Family Law Attorney Today to Learn More
Recognizing and understanding the tactics of coercive control is crucial in identifying and combating this form of abuse. Isolation, constant monitoring, gaslighting, restricting autonomy, limiting financial freedom, manipulating children, controlling bodily functions, and making threats are common methods abusers use to dominate their victims. These insidious tactics gradually erode the victim’s sense of self and independence, making it increasingly difficult for them to break free.
If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs of coercive control, it is essential to seek help. Contacting a trusted friend, family member, or a professional can provide the support needed to escape this abusive environment. Ziegler Law Group, LLC is here to assist you with compassion and expertise. Reach out today at 973-533-1100 for a confidential consultation and take the first step towards reclaiming your life and freedom.