In January 2024, New Jersey recognized coercive control as a form of domestic abuse. Coercive control is defined as a pattern of purposeful behavior that is meant to exert, control, and coercive another individual over a period of time. There are many ways a manipulator might do this to someone, but one of the most common tactics is known as gaslighting. You may have heard of it before, as it is something of a buzzword these days. However, despite how often you hear about it, do you know the signs and methods of gaslighting? Today, you are going to learn about it.
Key Takeaways
- New Jersey recognized coercive control as a form of domestic abuse in January 2024.
- Gaslighting is a common tactic in coercive control, aimed at causing self-doubt and confusion in the victim.
- Gaslighters use lies, emotional manipulation, and challenge victims’ interpretation of past events to maintain control.
- They often exploit victims’ insecurities and argue aggressively when challenged.
- Recognizing these signs is crucial to breaking free from the cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is often used by manipulators attempting coercive control in a relationship. To gaslight someone means attempting to cause self-doubt in the victim and confuse them. The term was coined after the movied titled Gaslight from 1944. The plot of the film revolved around a husband who sought to drive his wife to madness by dimming the lights around the house and then denying that the lights were dimmed when she pointed it out. Victims of gaslighting tend to question their own feelings, instincts, and memory. Due to the nature of gaslighting, many victims do not realize they are being emotionally abused.
How Do Gaslighters Manipulate in Relationships?
How Do Gaslighters Manipulate in Relationships?
Gaslighting is not just about denying reality to make someone believe they are crazy. There are five methods that gaslighters frequently use against their victims, including:
Lies and Deceit
Gaslighting is all about the lie. A gaslighter lies about what happened, what was said, and what they did. This kind of person often preys on those who aren’t liars, as it is easier to confuse someone who doesn’t like to lie. Initially, the lie will make you question if you remembered things correctly, even if you know that something about their version of events is incorrect.
Additionally, the gaslighter will remember their lie—their version of things—and repeat it over and over. Even if you try to refute it once or twice, they will come back and say that you accepted their version at least once already, so why not just go along with it?
Accuse You of Being Emotional and Irrational
In the beginning, you may feel frustrated by the gaslighting. You obviously know that something is wrong; something is not matching up with how you perceive things. The frustration mounts and you begin to get emotional, crying and yelling, when the gaslighting occurs. You want to state your case and be believed, but the gaslighter doesn’t believe you. Worse, they seem to be enjoying the fact that you are losing your composure. They may even point out that you are too emotional for the conversationt o continue or that your judgment is marred by your emotions. Worse, the gaslighter may try to comfort you for your emotions, making themselves look like the reassuring one.
Challenging Interpretation of Past Events
There is a myriad of ways this challenge can happen, depending on your past history with the gaslighter. For instance, let’s say the gaslighter cheated on you a few months or years ago. You may bring this up in the present, only to have the gaslighter deny your version of events. They may say that it didn’t bother you before, that you forgave them, so why are you making such a big deal over a kiss now? The gaslighter may criticize you for bringing up past events or hanging on to things for so long.
This plays into the tactic of making you think you are too emotional and irrational to properly judge a situation. The gaslighter is using this denial to turn you against yourself.
Wielding Your Insecurities Against You
Being in a relationship means understanding one another, including insecurities. In a healthy relationship, partners try to alleviate some of those insecurities so that each person can thrive. For gaslighters, insecurities are a target. Gaslighters will pinpoint insecurities and needle them. For example, if you have low self-confidence, the gaslighter might poke and prod at your clothing choices, your weight, or even how you decided to do your hair for a date. They may play into trust issues by never giving you a straight answer.
Argue When You Challenge Them
If you do decide to challenge a gaslighter, they will go on the offensive. Instead of having a calm, mature discussion about your feelings or an event, the gaslighter will argue. For instance, if you try to say that they are drinking too much, they will bring up the one time you got drunk. If you tell them that they never validate your feelings, they will say you complain about little things all the time. They never accept that they may be in the wrong.
Sometimes the gaslighter will even double down on their version and try to discredit you and make you feel like the wrongdoer in the argument. The hope is to intimidate and bully you into submission.
Resource Box
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National Domestic Violence Hotline:
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Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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Chat: Online Chat
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Text: “START” to 88788
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Local Support Groups or Shelters in New Jersey:
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To find local resources, you can visit:
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For immediate help, consider contacting:
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New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence
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Phone: 609-584-8107
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Website: NJCEADV
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Additional resources include:
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Jersey Battered Women’s Services (JBWS)
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Phone: 973-267-4763
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Services: Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy
- Website: https://jbws.org/
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Women Aware
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Phone: 732-249-4900
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Services: Domestic violence services, shelter, legal advocacy
- Website: https://womenaware.net/
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Legal Aid – Ziegler Law Group, LLC:
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Specialty: Domestic Violence, Family Law, Divorce
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Phone: 973-533-1100
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Location: New Jersey, USA
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Website: https://zieglerlawgroupllc.com/
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Download –
- Overcoming Domestic Violence in NJ
- The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children
- Your Guide to Safety and Legal Protection: Domestic Violence Legal Services
Contact an NJ Domestic Abuse Attorney Today to Learn More
Gaslighting is a powerful and insidious tactic used in coercive control, leaving victims confused, doubting their own reality, and emotionally drained. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting—such as lies, emotional manipulation, and using insecurities against you—is crucial to breaking free from the cycle of abuse. Understanding these techniques is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self and finding the strength to leave a toxic relationship.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting or other forms of coercive control, it’s essential to seek help. At Ziegler Law Group, LLC, our experienced attorneys can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate these complex situations. Contact us today at 973-533-1100 for a confidential consultation and take the first step toward freedom from abuse.
