Being on the outside and looking in on a domestic abuse situation, be it physical or coercive control, can be overwhelming. You may feel that your friend is acting strange and are taking notice to their differences. It’s depressing to see a person you love fall victim to abuse, particularly one as subtle and insidious as coercive control. Today we are going to go over a couple of things you can do to support someone experiencing coercive control. Let’s get started.
Key Takeaways
- Coercive control is a form of domestic violence aimed at isolating and controlling the victim, often without physical abuse, by undermining their independence and self-esteem.
- Maintaining contact and preventing isolation is crucial; use various communication methods and invite the victim to activities that can help them regain a sense of independence.
- Support the victim’s self-esteem by offering genuine compliments and affirmations, countering the degradation tactics used by the abuser.
- Validate the victim’s reality by confirming their experiences and emotions, especially when the abuser uses gaslighting to distort their perception.
- Address financial abuse by offering practical support, such as helping with expenses or securing a job, to reduce the victim’s dependency on the abuser.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of domestic violence that is not always physical. Typically, someone who uses coercive control tactics aims to separate an individual from their support circles, isolating them. The victim gradually loses independence, until they must depend on their abuser for financial stability and validation. Often, abusers who use coercive control will monitor, humiliate, and coercive their partners in a number of ways to whittle down their self-esteem.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Coercive Control
How to Support Someone Experiencing Coercive Control
Armed with knowledge about coercive control, you can better look out for it. The main thing to notice is that your friend or family member may not always show up with visible bruises. Rather, their soul may be bruised and tired. It is important to empower them, even if they don’t want the attention. Give them your endless support and patience. Help them see that they are being abused. Work together to provide them with a plan of escape then work towards executing it.
Here are some ways to support someone who is being abused:
Keep Them Out of Isolation
Victims of abuse are so often isolated from the outside world. You may notice that your friend is no longer showing up to events that they enjoyed or that they say they are too busy. It is important to not the abuser get in the way of these social circles. Establish contact a variety of ways, such as through text messages, emails, and gifts sent through the mail. Since the accounts may be monitored by the abuser, keep the conversation light. Try to pull the victim out of the abuse with invitations for walks, shopping, and events but keep the outings short. The more independence it feels like the victim has, the more common it is for the abuser to revoke their permissions for such days.
Work Against Degradation
A common tactic among abusers is to whittle away at the victim’s self-esteem. Abusers use harsh language that insults the victim’s intelligence and physical appearance. That makes it all the more important to tell the victim how much you love and care for them. Tell them that you admire them, that you have good memories, and provide genuine support when possible.
Stop the Gaslighting
By denying reality or manipulating the environment, abusers can make their victims question reality or even ponder if they are going crazy. Confirm your friend’s thoughts and opinions. Let them know that they are not unstable by recounting memories. Do not lecture your friend about what is happening in your life. Instead let them talk about what they are experiencing and validate their emotions as they do so.
Unravel the Acts of Love That Trap Victims
Abusers may come off as kind, affable, and even charming to those outside of the relationship. They may engage in acts of kindness with the victim, as they are concerned with self-image and want the rest of the world to like them. It is important to understand this, as the victim may also focus on these “good things” in a way to keep from thinking about the bad and terrible.
Listen and hear what your friend is talking about. Acknowledge that some good times may indeed exist. However, if it seems safe and won’t harm your friend emotionally, you can bring up some observations, such as, “When I picked you up, you seemed afraid. Is everything OK?” You may also note, “You seem more tired and depressed than usual. Did something happen?”. See how your friend reacts to these observations and listen to what they say. Sometimes the rose-tinted glasses will come off.
Ward Off Economic Abuse
Coercive control is built on various forms of abuse, including financial abuse. Abusers will work to cut victims off and make them dependent on the abuser’s finances. Some abusers will force their victims to stay home, to quit their job, or to even turn over their pay throughout the month. Money then becomes a device for punishing or rewarding.
Financial stability also becomes a great fear of the victim, as they cannot run if they don’t have the financial means to do so. As the friend, you can alleviate some of this financial burden by paying for things like food, transportation, or even childcare. You can also help your friend secure a job or provide a place to live or keep their belongings, especially if they are planning on running.
Contact a New Jersey Domestic Violence Lawyer Today to Learn More
Supporting someone experiencing coercive control requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of the complexities involved. As you stand by your loved one, your role is to be a steady source of support, helping them reclaim their sense of self and independence. It’s a delicate process, but your efforts can make a significant difference in their journey toward safety and freedom.
If you or someone you care about is trapped in an abusive relationship, know that legal help is available. The attorneys at Ziegler Law Group, LLC, are experienced in handling domestic violence cases and can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate this difficult situation. Contact us today at 973-533-1100 for a confidential consultation. Your actions could be the first step toward a safer, more secure future.
